You find out there were many worse jobs in history.

I have a simple request for Albertson’s customers when it comes to the self-checkout line. If you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t use it! I’m in line today with a new personal best 12 boxes of cereal and there are customers at each of the two available registers. Customer 1 is trying to finish her transaction and then realizes that she hasn’t used her coupons. So she tries to scan them, then looks in vain around the console to insert them somewhere. Finally she calls for help. Customer 2 has about four items. She places her onion on the scanner, and tries to look it up in the database. I understand this is a difficult process. There are usually 5 different options for any produce (regular, large, organic, vine-riped, hand-washed, pre-shelled, spoon-fed, etc.), and usually I don’t know which I picked up, but I use my best judgment and continue. After carefully evaluating her options this woman chose and apparently did not feel she chose wisely (i.e. she didn’t like the price). So she decided to cancel and try again. She didn’t fare any better the second time around, so the employee came over to assist. After some conversation, she decided she didn’t want the onion after all. I don’t buy onions very often, but I take it that the ones that are as big as your head are expensive.

Eventually, customer 1 sorted out her coupon situation satisfactorily, so I was able to purchase my cereal and milk. I collected my items, hopped in the sled, and proceeded home. But not before a fellow driver reconsidered her selection of streets and turned around. One minor detail was the one-way nature of this street. I was screaming at her that this might not be the best course of action, but she assured me with a friendly smile and wave that everything would be fine.

It’s a tough world out there folks.

This is a feeling I’ve had for a long time. It’s been a rainy week in Berkeley, so there have been tons of umbrellas out lately. And I find it extremely annoying. I acutally think it’s disrespectful. These people walk around taking up the whole sidewalk, unwittingly running into you, potentially poking your eye out! Then the umbrella-toter reaches their destination and has to put the contraption in the hallway or someplace to dry off.

“But Jer, it’s an effective way to keep me dry!”

Oh is it? Why is it then that they are not designed to deal with rain’s tricky brother wind? Whenever I see people carrying these infernal devices, and there’s a wind of any strength, half of them are inverted and thus rendered useless until fixed. The other half of the umbrella carrying chumps are walking with the thing pointed directly into the wind to keep the convex face outward. Of course, this means their field of vision is completely obscured, leading to a rainfall of gouged eyeballs. Umbrellas are also ineffective when lost, and apparently they’re lost frequently judging by the number I see laying here, there, and everywhere. And what about your frigid hand there, holding this stupid item when it could be in a warm pocket. This is ridiculous.

“Jer, everyone I know uses umbrellas, so I think you’re the only one that hates umbrellas.”

First of all, everyone you know is an idiot for using umbrellas, but I did wonder if anyone else hates umbrellas like I do. So I googled “hate umbrellas” and got 379 hits. I won’t win any elections on a “Ban Umbrellas” platform, but 380 people took the time to post how they hate umbrellas on the internet. Get a raincoat people. Stay dry, warm, and respectful.