1) This post is brought to you by ATT phone technician Milton. I like to say that the only people I hate more than the phone company is the cable company. However, this might be selling ATT a bit short, if our recent experience with their customer service is any indication. Our DSL had been cutting out any time we weren’t using the telephone, a condition known as a “high open.” Now granted, it took several visits by various technicians and several calls to the repair line, but everyone we dealt with was extremely apologetic and helpful to the best of their ability. Then we got to Milton, who after checking everything outside, gave me his cell number to arrange to check the inside wiring in the evening the next day. It turned out our outlet was corroded, which Milton dealt with in short order at no charge.
2) Curling blackout. If there’s one sporting event that I want to see on a quadrennial basis, it’s curling. Thanks to NBC’s decision to lock down their online access to people with cable, I was forced to endure a curling blackout during these past winter games. In 2006, when I watched almost every US curling match, the men won a bronze medal. This time, without my observation, the men and women both finished 2-7, both in dead last. This is your fault NBC. 2014: I will pay up to twenty dollars for unlimited and unfettered streaming of the Winter Olympics. Make it happen NBC, if you’re real Americans.
3) 3 – The number of papers I will be listed as coauthor from a previous affiliation. This is a good thing.
4) 4 – The minimum number of years postdoc I will work. Unclear if this is a bad thing, but it can’t be a good thing.
5) Down with stimulus funds! Long live the stimulus funds! The great thing about living in the internet age is that we can check on things. Like these 114 knuckleheads that were against the stimulus before they were for it. Oopsie daisy!
6) 6 – The number of replacement level catchers you need if you’re the New York Mets: Santos, Blanco, Thole, Coste, Riggans, and Barajas. (I suppose I should add that only one of these guys was around last year. FIVE of them are new!) I’m sure there’s a new idiom in there somewhere. It’s the baseball equivalent to rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Got a pitching staff with one reliable starter? Sign a replacement level catcher. No offense from the right side of your infield? Sign a replacement level catcher. No defense from the right side of your infield? Sign a replacement level catcher. Did you just pay $140 million and only win 70 games. Sign a replacement level catcher. Problem solved.
7) Did I mention how awesome AT&T technician Milton is?
8) 8 – The number of years more that the Yankees will have to drool over Joe Mauer. After an unnamed scout said that Mauer, largely considered one of the three best players in baseball, would be the next catcher for the Yankees, fans from started acting like it was their god given right to own Mauer. Well, here’s a message to “The Universe” from Twins fans: Go to hell.
9) If you live in Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, South Carolina, or Texas don’t fill out your census! Seriously! Are you going to let the insidious Obama led government count you? Well are you!?!? They can’t be trusted with this information!! The government is out to get you, and the best way to stay safe is to hide from them for at least one year!
10) Best birthday present ever?