I hate umbrellas

This is a feeling I’ve had for a long time. It’s been a rainy week in Berkeley, so there have been tons of umbrellas out lately. And I find it extremely annoying. I acutally think it’s disrespectful. These people walk around taking up the whole sidewalk, unwittingly running into you, potentially poking your eye out! Then the umbrella-toter reaches their destination and has to put the contraption in the hallway or someplace to dry off.

“But Jer, it’s an effective way to keep me dry!”

Oh is it? Why is it then that they are not designed to deal with rain’s tricky brother wind? Whenever I see people carrying these infernal devices, and there’s a wind of any strength, half of them are inverted and thus rendered useless until fixed. The other half of the umbrella carrying chumps are walking with the thing pointed directly into the wind to keep the convex face outward. Of course, this means their field of vision is completely obscured, leading to a rainfall of gouged eyeballs. Umbrellas are also ineffective when lost, and apparently they’re lost frequently judging by the number I see laying here, there, and everywhere. And what about your frigid hand there, holding this stupid item when it could be in a warm pocket. This is ridiculous.

“Jer, everyone I know uses umbrellas, so I think you’re the only one that hates umbrellas.”

First of all, everyone you know is an idiot for using umbrellas, but I did wonder if anyone else hates umbrellas like I do. So I googled “hate umbrellas” and got 379 hits. I won’t win any elections on a “Ban Umbrellas” platform, but 380 people took the time to post how they hate umbrellas on the internet. Get a raincoat people. Stay dry, warm, and respectful.

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