The following is a guest contribution from Odie, who holds a B.S. in English from our fine University.

So I went past this store the other day, and the neon sign in the window said the words “Pink Polish.” I spent three days trying to figure out what kind of Eastern European store this was. I mean, why would Polish people want pink things? It was only when I walked by the same store again that I realized it was filled with nice Vietnamese ladies doing nails.

Of course, the fact that capitalization changes the intent of a word is entirely stupid. But then again, it’s a confusing language. Consider g – o, “go” or “goe” for phonetic purposes, but d – o does not sound like “doe.” Or let’s take the use of a popular insult in the English language. The following is from the Word Detective website.

Dear Word Detective: How did the name of Nimrod, the legendary hunter, become synonymous with “an idiot”?

Answer: Nimrod was indeed a fearless hunter in the Book of Genesis, and “nimrod” has been used as a simple synonym for “hunter” in English since the early 1700s. According to the Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang, we may have none other than Bugs Bunny to thank for the more modern slang use of “nimrod” to mean “idiot” or “jerk.” In one particular 1940s cartoon, Bugs sarcastically referred to the hapless hunter Elmer Fudd as “Poor little Nimrod.” Although “nimrod” had already been used mockingly for a number of years, Bugs’ popularity probably gave this “idiot” sense a huge boost, and it is now used in contexts that have nothing to do with hunting.

That’s right; our language is based off of a cartoon. What a maroon I have been!

I am the least conspicuous, least memorable person ever.

Exhibit A: In the summer of 2000, Odie and I were both planning to spend the summer at Notre Dame. We wanted to get a room in the air conditioned dorm, but our schedules didn’t allow us to move in at the same time. I went to the housing office to work this out. The woman I talked to told me the issue could be resolved, She said she’d talk to her supervisor later that day and I should come back the next day to sign some forms. I returned as planned and talked to the same woman. She did not remember me from the previous day. I gave her the details of our conversation. She again denied that we had spoken, and in fact became irritated that I was trying to circumvent their summer housing policies. As a result, I sizzled in the friendly confines of Morrissey Hall for three months.

Exhibit B: Last night I was walking down to the bus stop in Berkeley. I hear a woman behind me say, “Sorry! Sorry!” and then something hit me in the left calf. I turned to find that she had run her bike right into me. Her only response to the dumbfounded look on my face was another “Sorry!” after which she rode off.

Apparently, the human mind can repress any interaction with me within 24 hours, and furthermore does not even acknowledge my physical existence until impact is imminent. Time to put my powers as the invisible man to use. I should be able to infiltrate any nation or organization without fear of discovery.

It is safe to disclose this information on the internet, because I will disappear from your mind without a trace.

It’s called sunny California for a reason?

Due to the wonder that is Costco (and Stache’s membership there), the inhabitants of 610 have copious amounts of pretzels at their disposal. This bag was acquired on February 1, 2006, and we each made a guess at how long it would take for us to finish it. As you can see, I had the most confidence in our abilities. Alas, today is the 8th, and I am faced with the question: Do I try to eat the rest of the bag tonight? Since my lips are numb from the salt already, I think not. It would appear that Stache and PBR are wiser in the ways of pretzel consumption.

I was one of the last people in the world to acquire a cell phone. My opinion of a cell phone is how you would view gunpowder: it has real, beneficial uses, but usually it is abused to the point of wondering if we’d be better off without. In a perfect world, cell phones would be used in the following cases:

1) To coordinate the meeting of parties in a public place. Plans change, people run late. This is the ultimate use of the cell phone.
2) To reporting an emergency to the police, fire department, or paramedics.
3) To have a conversation with another person without disturbing or placing others in danger.

Notice I didn’t include cell phone usage while:

1) Driving.
2) Shopping.
3) Riding public transportation.

In fact, to prevent annoying the general public, I propose the following 2-part legislation:

1) Cell phones may not be used inside of any public building, public transportation, or by the operator of a vehicle.
2) All cell phones must be placed in silent mode while in public.

I think we can all agree that we have a bit of an energy problem in this country. Despite the fact that we’re invading places so we can control more oil, gas prices are hovering around $3.00 per gallon. With this in mind, does the best use of this non-renewable resource seem to be driving around in circles at 200 mph? And how exciting is it to watch these guys (gender neutral usage) turn left for 3 hours? It’s no wonder people are hoping for a crash or a wheel to fly into the stands.

Notice this post was not filed in the “Sports” category, since driving is not a sport; Hemingway be damned. Oh, and I’m not the only one who hates NASCAR. 2.3 million others agree. And those are just the ones who hate it enough to say so on the internet.

107.7 The Bone is the classic rock station in San Francisco. It has certain positive attributes, e.g they only play a particular song once per day and generally have a good playlist. However, they ruin it by playing stuff like Hoobastank. The Bone’s morning show is Lamont and Tonelli. In addition to incessant promos throughout the day on the radio, the station places these ads on public transit to advertise. Look, there’s a reason these guys are on radio and not TV.