When none of my teams make the playoffs, part of me dies inside. Nonetheless, there’s still baseball to be played, and some outcomes are better than others. Here are the eight MLB playoff teams in descending order of how terrible it will be if they win the World Series.

8) New York Yankees – The thought of millions of Yankees fans being happy about anything makes me ill. It’s bad enough that they think that Derek Jeter is better than Alex Rodriguez.
8a) Philadelphia Phillies – The thought of Jimmy Rollins being happy about anything makes me ill. It’s bad enough that he thinks he’s anywhere near as good as Jose Reyes.
6) Texas Rangers – Owning the Rangers and using this power to swindle a new stadium from the citizens started George W. Bush’s ascent to the presidency. Never forget.
5) St. Louis Cardinals – They did knock the Braves out of the playoff picture, which moves them up a notch, but they’ve already won a championship with a bad team once in my lifetime. Manager Tony LaRussa is annoying, a drunk driver, and a Tea Partier.
4) Arizona Diamondbacks – The most nondescript team in the playoffs puts them in the middle of the pack. They have one good player (Justin Upton) and a couple of good pitchers, but nobody really knows how they won games. The NL West is just that bad.
3) Tampa Bay Rays – Tampa’s improbable playoff run coupled with the Red Sox meltdown was a beautiful gift. The Rays are the model of how to run a low payroll team. Finally, their small fanbase 3000 miles away will be nearly silent to my ears.
2) Milwaukee Brewers – I’ll root for any non-Favre containing team from Wisconsin against any team that I don’t care about.
1) Detroit Tigers – This is my team-in-law, which pushes them above Milwaukee, but they’d be a strong contender regardless. Beautiful uniforms. The great Justin Verlander. And when in doubt, always root for the declining midwestern town.