Why couldn’t I be a major league pitcher?

Four reasons I’d make a great pitcher:

  • I’m a gazelle off the mound.
  • I like to show off my socks.
  • I have no problem pitching inside.
  • My fastball has good sinking action.

Four reasons I’d never make it as a pitcher:

  • I’m too expensive.
  • I have a propensity for fluke injuries, especially cutting my fingers/hands while washing dishes.
  • I don’t get along well with the media.
  • My fastball tops out at 70 mph.

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